Hey! Long time no speaks! I hope all of you are well. I still
continued to write, just on my journals. But I am officially back! And I have a
lot of my thoughts to share with you all.
Today: Dating
Song That I am Currently
Listening to: Talk to Me - Stevie Nicks
So, the longest relationship I
ever had ended not long ago, although from the beginning I questioned our
relationship. In 2015 I wrote a poem called "Blur" it was about
him.
(You can find it on my wed page
here)
Our relationship had our ups
and downs like any other, but it became more downs, and downs. I became
unhappy. I didn't hang out with my friends and I became alienating myself. It
didn't help that he did not have many friends and he felt all my friends hated
him. So, with my job I would come home and want to get dressed up and go out
and most of the times it was like pulling teeth. I wanted us to get involved
with some volunteer programs, only tried one time and he was not excited to go.
And it killed the fun, especially because it was at the children's hospital. I
paid for 90% of our dates because he did not have a job. I left him 3 years ago
and, in that time, I was dating and I met a guy from Amsterdam, we dated a bit
but after a few months I decided to give him another chance. He went to school,
and became an EMT and was on his way to becoming a firefighter. All was
beautiful for 3 months, after that it started to tank again.
(Song That I am Currently
Listening to Iris- Goo Goo Dolls)
He did not pass fire academy
the first time, nor the second time. And what I forgot to mention was that
during our relationship I found out he was addicted to drugs. That was one of
the reasons I had left him 2016. He was clean when I decided to get back with
him. But after not making it though fire academy he had relapsed. We went to NA
meetings, and it was genuinely hard for me. I was so sad; He was battling
though depression and then I got into that spiral. I never expected me to deal
with it, and when you are in, it's is not easy to admit. Especially for me that
I try to uplift those around me. But I had no wings to fly with anymore.
Overtime I lost parts of my feathers; it wasn't a nourishing
relationship.
And I am sure you all are
wondering well why the hell didn't you leave him??
Truth is I tried so many times,
but he still lives with his parents and he will be 33 this year. His mother
would say you know just talk things out. And He would beg me not to leave. And
part of me felt guilty if I left him knowing he was trying to better his life.
And at times I felt I was the bad guy.
As you know I do not have
parents to turn to or guide me, I have friends, but I would always tell them,
you don't get it. It's complicated. He is a really nice guy, He never
minded my job, he trusted me and I trusted him.
(Song That I am Currently
Listening Que Lloro - Sin Bandera)
He really really loved me. I
mean if someone were to say you need to walk 20 miles to get to Victoria, he
would say where do I start. And I have never met anyone who I can say that
about as far as a relationship is concerned. I felt loved and appreciated. He
would love me when I was 20 pounds heavier or 20 pounds lighter. I have always
been self-conscious of my body naked. I feel vulnerable and judged if I am
being frank. Your body and your soul are all in one. And I did not feel ugly
even on those ugly days, with pimples or just tired. He looked at me as if I
was a princess. And that made me feel special. Our eyes can say so much, and he
had beautiful green eyes. The way he looked at me never changed, but the way I
looked at him did. I felt it and I know he could see it... The light that I
once saw was dying, this time more rapidly because I knew that things would not
change. That we are too different, I am ambitious and he is more complacent.
But you love them?
I learned that Love is far more
than an expression, it is also an act, an act of love. That love is far more
than 20 miles, that love is far more than appreciating their company. That in
love Its a million things but most importantly happiness. I was missing that
happiness. I wasn't feeling like a woman should and I felt he took me for
granted. That made me feel alone and confused, so many conflicting emotions.
Because despite it all I wanted him to have a job, have his own place and find
happiness within himself. I never asked him to buy me anything, only to do
something in life. I thought when you love someone you work it out, through
better or worse, and sickness and in health. And through all of this I never
took a look at my life, no one did. I was so focused on him and trying to cheer
him up, help him with a job or simply caring so much about him that I did not
say what about my happiness? How about how I feel? I realize that I am looking
to protect him and his feelings that I started to forget about me, about what
matters to me.
(Song That I am Currently
Listening to Es Por Ti - Juanes)
So, I took a step back.
I thought this isn't fair, this
manipulation, always making me feel that I am the bad guy if I wanted to leave.
That I wasn't being supportive enough. That I was being unreasonable that
anytime we had an argument "leave, that's what you like to do." And
then he would apologize and said that we were in a heat of an argument to
please forgive him, and he would cry and I felt horrible. But a few months ago,
I said "No Mas!"
I love you but f*ck this. Like
this isn't working, I am not happy we do not go anywhere. I am tired of paying
for you. I have always had to work for everything I have had, I want someone to
take care of me for a change. I would invite him to Paris, to Venice, London
you name it and he would not want to go. So, I was jealous of the other flight
attendants that travel the world and hike the most beautiful mountains or swim
crystal blue waters with their boyfriends, but there I was alone. It started to
get boring but I stayed and God knows I tried. Especially almost 4 years
together, I felt I had already invested so much time I should see if there is
hope. But there was nothing left.
There was so much I wanted to
do, but I was so focused on us and him, and his drugs, or unemployment that I
did not focus on me. I stopped writing here among other things, I forgot about
me. And I know that is another reason I was sad, because I had lost inspiration
in what I loved. And I could have ended it a long time ago but I didn't. But
when I finally did, I felt a weight off my shoulders and I just wanted to do
all these things I had put off for so long. Traveling, Music and even poetry
and I am finally happy.
Moral of the Story: Seasons
Change
(Song That I am Currently
Closing Time -Semisonic)
I read somewhere that some
people will come into your life for a season, and some will come for a
lifetime. And you must be careful to not mix seasonal people with lifetime
expectations. And I suppose that is what him and I were; a seasonal love.
Although I know I will care for him for a long time. He was never a bad person,
but we were just not for each other. And sometimes being used to someone can be
dangerous. I love waking up to a good morning text and he always did that. But
that can't be the reason I stay. Or because you are afraid to date or because
you do not want to be lonely. I say all of this because I know there is a lot
of men and a lot of woman that are in this situation. You stay because of the
sweet things they do, the way they look at you and maybe how they make you
feel. But happiness is just as important as love, especially self-happiness.
And together do the things that make you happy, make sure you are with someone
that brings out the best version of you, not the worst. The moment you feel
that you are not laughing as much, not as happy, not as excited or not the best
version of you WALK AWAY. Especially the moment you are so worried about them
and protecting their emotions, that you forget to care for yours.
F*CK THAT!
I beg all of you, do not do it,
time is very valuable. Don't stay when you know there is no future and no hope.
Love is more than the sweet things they do for you. And do not stay thinking
someone will change. People are who they are. They may change things that they
do and how they do them. But as far as who they are that's embedded in their
DNA. Major life changes can change someone but who knows what that change will
be and at what cost? If you do not like to gamble, I got news for you, you just
did. And your gambling your future...
Seasons change, feelings
change.
Admitting its over is hard,
saying good bye is hard.
But it’s the bridge you have to
cross to get to the other side. So, let’s go!
"You need to walk 20 miles
to get to your happiness."
-Where do I start?
💓