Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Foundation


 Hi everyone ! I have had this website for a long long time. 11 years to be exact, And I hope you guys are enjoying and have enjoyed my post! For those of you that want to follow or help support my music career I have launched a Patron for those of you. I will be able to answer live question and answers sneak peaks of music and live video feeds! I am officially getting started this month, so you all get to be part of this new foundation.

Speaking of foundation I was working on a solo album release recently with the guitar member from our band Soltrio. And I believe he has too many things going on in this personal life, and he quit so now the entire album will need to be revised. I do not want to get into many details but it hurt me, not so much the music but he was one of my best friends. And it hurt me a lot that he just did not want to keep our relation. When we were Soltrio, it was like a little box. Then the 2 members left, and then it was him and I and we fell into a triangle and now he left, so now everything just fell apart.  And I am back where it all started. But maybe I fell into what I needed to be to grow into something better.

Time will tell, but know my love for life music will never stop. Covid was a crappy time for many people maybe still is. But during my time off a band was formed, music was written and things happened. For all it's worth at least I met people and was able to write and release music. Me and the other guys are in good standing. I still love the EP, it represented everything I had ever written here. I got to work with talented people and a lot was not possible without working together, crafting the music together. 

But Although I fell down I did not crack nor break, maybe a little bruised yes. But this is a new chapter and the older you get the more things change and shift. And if you want to survive, keep up with the times, be cool like a chameleon :)

P.S Here is my Patron account : https://www.patreon.com/classvee



Tuesday, June 8, 2021

MY BIRTHDAY!!!

 Well today I AM OFFICIALLY 28! 

Literally a day like today I was born, Tuesday June 8th 

Why do birthday's even matter?


 

This is a serious question. Yes, a day like today I was born but I feel it meant more as a child then it does as an adult. I still enjoy myself; I have drinks and spend it with friends and family. But this year was different. For starters I am 2 years away from being 30, the big 3 - o. But the celebration was different, I was thrown a surprise party. I never envisioned myself with one, always saw it in movies and this was very real. So, my roommates call to tell me the power was out, they tried resetting the breaker and nothing. (Since COVID things have been financially difficult, and on top of that my A/C had a leak and was spreading though the house. Last year this happened, and I replaced my AC coil to ensure this wouldn't happen. Well, this time, it was the drain line. On top of that my dryer was not drying clothes, light switches stopped working) So on my birthday weekend when I was told there was no power, I got emotional. And I was like why? Today out of all days? I got sad and cried, but found the mental strength to find a solution and try to see it on the bright side when there literally was light in sight. I never told my friends that there was no power, I did not want them to worry. I could have easily told everyone to not come over, but light or no light I just wanted to be with the people I love. My friends and my family literally are the light of my life. 

My sister and I spent the whole day together having lunch and getting my nails done. And around 8pm we are driving home, and the entire time I am listening to Dominican songs related to no electricity. Literally trying to laugh at the situation, because when it rains it pours. We arrived I notice a candle in my roommates’ room and I felt so bad, but I had flashlights, had TECO on their way addressing the power issue. When I get to my door, I see my doorbell has power. So, I was like this is good, so only parts of the house are without power! I open the door and something is around the door area I freaked out, I wasn't sure if it was a prank or some voodoo that was hanging. I froze, then I heard the A/C was on. I was like wait the A/C is on? And boom! Everyone came out of nowhere and surprised me. My cousin, my aunt even my neighbor was there. I cried because I was relieved to have electricity lol. Eventually I was able to grasp everything that had happened. And I was able to be happy because they were there to celebrate with me.

The highlight though if I am honest, was my sister. We did not grow up together, we have our own views and experiences growing up and that painted the background to the canvas we see today. As days go by, we continue to make that work of art more beautiful and expressive. And her and I have come a long way, but I feel for the first time in these last few months I felt truly connected with her. Before it was like she is related to me and we are family. But now it's more of we are sisters. I don’t feel so alone like I once did.  It was always just me against the world. But now there is someone next to me that truly cares about me. That is there for me, and I did not want to believe it would happen the way it has, because I did not meet her until I became 18. And this birthday marks 10 years. An entire decade being sisters and learning what it's like having one. I did not have a mother growing up, never had a father, never had my sister. I never had anyone to lean to or call to about stuff. When you are young things are more intensified, emotions, memories, pain, joy and love. But I learned to stand up, and figure it out be strong to survive mentally. But it was cool when I met my sister because If I am honest there is a reason why It all happened. I was not supposed to be born, everyone told my mother to not have me because she was very sick, the doctors said it too that in having me it could jeopardize her life. But she was determined to have me and she called me a victory when I was born, Una Victoria. But I feel I was born so my sister wouldn't be left alone in this world. So, we could have each other. And as I learn what it means to be a sister and have one, we make memories, we are learning every day from each other. While so much has happened in 10 years, I look forward to the rest of my life in having a wonderful sister.

I think of family like a baseball field you start in a home base, and you might leave to get to different bases, but at the end of the day, the year or your life you are back to your home base. It circles back around and you are there with family, the circle of life. Friends can change, Lovers can change, but no one can change your parents or siblings, it's a bind. 

So why do birthdays matter? In my opinion It's another year you live, every year is different not just the numbers, but as a person. It's a day where it's all about you as it was when you got to this world. It's an excuse or a reason to bring people together. And I feel it is a visual of how important or how much you mean to people. It's a day where you try to be positive about the fact you are getting old lol. Every year and every day I am also reminded of all the amazing friends and awesome roommates I have in my life. 

 



For me every year is a Victory.

 

Friday, May 10, 2019

A New Journey





Hey! Long time no speaks! I hope all of you are well. I still continued to write, just on my journals. But I am officially back! And I have a lot of my thoughts to share with you all. 

Today: Dating
Song That I am Currently Listening to: Talk to Me - Stevie Nicks

So, the longest relationship I ever had ended not long ago, although from the beginning I questioned our relationship. In 2015 I wrote a poem called "Blur" it was about him. 
(You can find it on my wed page here)
Our relationship had our ups and downs like any other, but it became more downs, and downs. I became unhappy. I didn't hang out with my friends and I became alienating myself. It didn't help that he did not have many friends and he felt all my friends hated him. So, with my job I would come home and want to get dressed up and go out and most of the times it was like pulling teeth. I wanted us to get involved with some volunteer programs, only tried one time and he was not excited to go. And it killed the fun, especially because it was at the children's hospital. I paid for 90% of our dates because he did not have a job. I left him 3 years ago and, in that time, I was dating and I met a guy from Amsterdam, we dated a bit but after a few months I decided to give him another chance. He went to school, and became an EMT and was on his way to becoming a firefighter. All was beautiful for 3 months, after that it started to tank again. 

(Song That I am Currently Listening to Iris- Goo Goo Dolls)

He did not pass fire academy the first time, nor the second time. And what I forgot to mention was that during our relationship I found out he was addicted to drugs. That was one of the reasons I had left him 2016. He was clean when I decided to get back with him. But after not making it though fire academy he had relapsed. We went to NA meetings, and it was genuinely hard for me. I was so sad; He was battling though depression and then I got into that spiral. I never expected me to deal with it, and when you are in, it's is not easy to admit. Especially for me that I try to uplift those around me. But I had no wings to fly with anymore. Overtime I lost parts of my feathers; it wasn't a nourishing relationship. 

And I am sure you all are wondering well why the hell didn't you leave him??
Truth is I tried so many times, but he still lives with his parents and he will be 33 this year. His mother would say you know just talk things out. And He would beg me not to leave. And part of me felt guilty if I left him knowing he was trying to better his life. And at times I felt I was the bad guy.
As you know I do not have parents to turn to or guide me, I have friends, but I would always tell them, you don't get it.  It's complicated. He is a really nice guy, He never minded my job, he trusted me and I trusted him.

(Song That I am Currently Listening Que Lloro - Sin Bandera)


He really really loved me. I mean if someone were to say you need to walk 20 miles to get to Victoria, he would say where do I start. And I have never met anyone who I can say that about as far as a relationship is concerned. I felt loved and appreciated. He would love me when I was 20 pounds heavier or 20 pounds lighter. I have always been self-conscious of my body naked. I feel vulnerable and judged if I am being frank. Your body and your soul are all in one. And I did not feel ugly even on those ugly days, with pimples or just tired. He looked at me as if I was a princess. And that made me feel special. Our eyes can say so much, and he had beautiful green eyes. The way he looked at me never changed, but the way I looked at him did. I felt it and I know he could see it... The light that I once saw was dying, this time more rapidly because I knew that things would not change. That we are too different, I am ambitious and he is more complacent. 

But you love them?

I learned that Love is far more than an expression, it is also an act, an act of love. That love is far more than 20 miles, that love is far more than appreciating their company. That in love Its a million things but most importantly happiness. I was missing that happiness. I wasn't feeling like a woman should and I felt he took me for granted. That made me feel alone and confused, so many conflicting emotions. Because despite it all I wanted him to have a job, have his own place and find happiness within himself. I never asked him to buy me anything, only to do something in life. I thought when you love someone you work it out, through better or worse, and sickness and in health. And through all of this I never took a look at my life, no one did. I was so focused on him and trying to cheer him up, help him with a job or simply caring so much about him that I did not say what about my happiness? How about how I feel? I realize that I am looking to protect him and his feelings that I started to forget about me, about what matters to me.

(Song That I am Currently Listening to Es Por Ti - Juanes)

So, I took a step back. 
I thought this isn't fair, this manipulation, always making me feel that I am the bad guy if I wanted to leave. That I wasn't being supportive enough. That I was being unreasonable that anytime we had an argument "leave, that's what you like to do." And then he would apologize and said that we were in a heat of an argument to please forgive him, and he would cry and I felt horrible. But a few months ago, I said "No Mas!"

I love you but f*ck this. Like this isn't working, I am not happy we do not go anywhere. I am tired of paying for you. I have always had to work for everything I have had, I want someone to take care of me for a change. I would invite him to Paris, to Venice, London you name it and he would not want to go. So, I was jealous of the other flight attendants that travel the world and hike the most beautiful mountains or swim crystal blue waters with their boyfriends, but there I was alone. It started to get boring but I stayed and God knows I tried. Especially almost 4 years together, I felt I had already invested so much time I should see if there is hope. But there was nothing left.

There was so much I wanted to do, but I was so focused on us and him, and his drugs, or unemployment that I did not focus on me. I stopped writing here among other things, I forgot about me. And I know that is another reason I was sad, because I had lost inspiration in what I loved. And I could have ended it a long time ago but I didn't. But when I finally did, I felt a weight off my shoulders and I just wanted to do all these things I had put off for so long. Traveling, Music and even poetry and I am finally happy.

Moral of the Story: Seasons Change
(Song That I am Currently Closing Time -Semisonic)

I read somewhere that some people will come into your life for a season, and some will come for a lifetime. And you must be careful to not mix seasonal people with lifetime expectations. And I suppose that is what him and I were; a seasonal love. Although I know I will care for him for a long time. He was never a bad person, but we were just not for each other. And sometimes being used to someone can be dangerous. I love waking up to a good morning text and he always did that. But that can't be the reason I stay. Or because you are afraid to date or because you do not want to be lonely. I say all of this because I know there is a lot of men and a lot of woman that are in this situation. You stay because of the sweet things they do, the way they look at you and maybe how they make you feel. But happiness is just as important as love, especially self-happiness. And together do the things that make you happy, make sure you are with someone that brings out the best version of you, not the worst. The moment you feel that you are not laughing as much, not as happy, not as excited or not the best version of you WALK AWAY. Especially the moment you are so worried about them and protecting their emotions, that you forget to care for yours. 

F*CK THAT!

I beg all of you, do not do it, time is very valuable. Don't stay when you know there is no future and no hope. Love is more than the sweet things they do for you. And do not stay thinking someone will change. People are who they are. They may change things that they do and how they do them. But as far as who they are that's embedded in their DNA. Major life changes can change someone but who knows what that change will be and at what cost? If you do not like to gamble, I got news for you, you just did. And your gambling your future...

Seasons change, feelings change. 
Admitting its over is hard, saying good bye is hard. 
But it’s the bridge you have to cross to get to the other side. So, let’s go!
"You need to walk 20 miles to get to your happiness."
-Where do I start?

                                                                   ðŸ’“

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Christmas





































Christmas has not felt warm since I don’t even know when. Well looking back maybe when I was 12. When I was a child I was raised between Dominican Republic and Tampa Florida. And Christmas is not really the children’s holiday. It is January 6! El Dia De los 3 Reyes Magos. The day of the 3 wise kings. That was the night the bright star of Bethlehem shined in the sky the night Jesus was born. The three wise man followed the star and they brought gifts to baby Jesus. This is also called the Christmas star, the ones seen on top of the Christmas tree. So on January 6th the gifts are not placed under a tree, but under our beds! So I recall when I was maybe 9 years old I really wanted this Shakira Doll. It sang the song Whenever Whenever in Spanish. I was sooo in love with it and I said to my mom/Aunt I want it please! And she said no there is no money put it back. So sadly, I placed it back on the shelf. So on January 5th I remember I picked out grass for like an hour from the back yard, placed it in a box for the horses. I went to the corner store and with the little change I had I got some crackers and candy for the 3 wise men. I even left them some water to wash down the crackers. I was so excited that year like any other. I remember I looked under my bed maybe every 5 minutes. Nothing. Somehow I fell asleep for a few moments I woke up and there it was! The Shakira Doll! The crackers and the candies were gone! I was soooo happy, I mean that was my best Christmas ever. Rarely could we afford anything so when you got something it was shocking. I mean when I passed 7th Grade my mom/aunt took me and my best friend Priscila to McDonalds as a celebration. But we never went out to eat, we always ate at home so it was a great day!

So yeah I was the happiest person in the world singing with my Shakira doll. As a child that was my favorite Christmas. When I was 12 I think that was the 2ndand last memorable Christmas feeling. But it was not a gift that made it memorable, but my family. I was with Cheyanne who is my cousin but she is like a sister. I had all my American cousins for the first time in years. I was 12 when I moved back to the United States. But my cousins were like brothers and sisters to me. We were young and silly, playful and happy. When I was 13 I was in foster care and my life changed forever. I lost my Uncle who was the closet to a father I had, he raised me. I lost my home and life was just never the same. When I twelve years old that was the last time I saw my family that happy and all together.

And as years go by Christmas is just okay. This year I forgot to wish people Merry Christmas. I feel that without the family or the togetherness of people you love, there is no Christmas. I am just not in the spirit this year. I wish I was but I can’t fake it. I feel perhaps when I have children of my own, a Family of my own I can bring up the Christmas feeling to life. Not just one or two memorable Christmases but if I am lucky, a lifetime full of them. Hot chocolate, I have yet to make s’mores, I have never even tasted one. I want a holiday like the movies lol, a cinematic holiday as I call it. I have always wanted to do the Christmas carol thing too, share some Christmas joy.

There is this house in Florida that has the house full of lights! It is this house posted here, this house is the reason why I am writing this. And every year I come to see this house because it feels warm and joyful. You can’t miss it as you’re driving it’s so bright. And I feel that houses like that gives people hope like me. As years have passed people decorate less, and it has become a dark place. So when beautiful homes like this are near it puts a smile on my face and in these dark times they’re shining their light and joys to others. I do not have a home right now, so meanwhile I enjoy seeing others such as this one and they inspire me. And who knows maybe when I have my house it can shine some light to them, or hopefully even a smile the same way it did for me.


Happy Holidays!

Monday, April 25, 2016

Thinking Of the Future, It is Deep.

So I am sitting here working on this poem that is ridiculous lol. It is nerdy, technical but romantic. I have been doing research all night to make sure what I put together makes sense. Anyways I am listening to a bunch of songs that help me flow with the writing. I am currently listening to : Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse . And I love that song like many others. And I am like his would actually be a great song for my wedding. No I am not getting married yet. I don't know exactly how I'd picture my future husband. But one things certain, he's got to be able to handle all my cheesiness lol. I have already the list of wedding songs lol, yea I know I'm crazy. But, a girl can dream! Aerosmith would have backed me up on this lol.

So for the wedding I want to play :

Dionne Warrick : This Girl's In Love With You
Firehouse: Love Of a lifetime
Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose: Too late to Turn Back Now
Bread: I Want to Make It With You
Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds: Falling In love
Nat King Cole: The very Thought Of you
Sammy Davis: The Good Life
Whitney Houston: You Give Good Love
Nat King Cole: L-O-V-E
Jack Jones: Time After Time
Chicago: Does Anyone Know What Time It Is?
Stephanie Mills: Never Knew Love Like This Before
Hall And Oates: You make my dreams Come true
Nat King Cole: Unforgettable

These are just some I want in the mix. I know it may seem soon but I have a lot of free times on my hands so I put things like this together.

Children:

You know I would like to have 3 kids. Initially it was 2 but I do want to adopt one child. Or I can have one child and one adopted. I do prefer boys, or that the boy is older to look out for the younger one. I have 2 male names in mind and one female. I am thinking Julian and Liam for the boys and the girl will be named Diana. Yes she will be a princess to me! I find girl names hard to decide. I am actually very grateful for my name because it is not too too common, like Ashely or Katie. And more importantly it means something. And it flows in Spanish and English. Liam not too much but it sounds really nice so.

House:

I actually want a home in Florida. I feel like Florida is a perfect state. It might just be because it is home. But it is warm, It is diverse it is beautiful. It is the Sunshine State! And that right there just makes it sound more amazing. I thought me seeing he world would want me to live somewhere else and I just don't see anything else. Boise Idaho was actually surprisingly beautiful and felt very comfortable very soon. I had more fun that I thought. But let's be real you never hear much from those places. Maybe they just do not want people to know? But the people are very friendly it is very green is was super awesome. I love going there.  Rome too was super awesome I loooove Italy. But I do not see myself living there forever. Maybe a year to help me learn Italian.

Cars:

I am basic I am totally cool with a Toyota Or a Honda Sedan. Now If I can dream The Audi R8 is badass. I think most Audi cars are sexy.

Job:

I may still be a Flight Attendant, I may not I really cannot predict that. But If I can do anything I would love to have a homeless shelter built and running it. It will be called Victoria's House. My homeless shelter will be one of a kind, but it does requires a lot of funding. I do believe this will not only help people off the streets but keep them off. It is about giving people the second chance.

In addition to Victoria's House: (It's about to get real) READ EVERYTHING!

Here's the thing, a lot of people treat homeless people like they are nothing. That it is their fault.
Who are we to judge? So just because we have a car and a job it makes us worth more than someone else? And have earned the right to humiliate someone and treat them like nothing because "economically" they have nothing? It is just cruel. Then people are like go get a job. Okay, great! Let them apply but how are they going to groom? Take a shower? They probably do not have a Social Security card or an ID at this point. And it tears my heart to see homeless people to be treated like trash, because they do not even get treated like animals. Because in today's era some animals get better treatment than the homeless. And I get that people feel it is "not their problem." And it is that mentality that will never allows people to see the truth. It is a problem weather you feel it is yours or not. I know you cannot save everyone's life, that you can't save the whole world. But damn just one life that you can change can save their world. But those values do not seem to matter to anyone, not as much anyways. So as you know I have been in Foster Care, and for those who do or do now know what happens once you are 18 years of age you age out of Foster Care. You are 18 you get kicked out of Foster Care If you are lucky and meet criteria you can find an independent living center. That will keep you there till you are about 21 and you have hopefully a degree and money saved up to be on your own. After 21 that is it. So let's rewind quickly. So once you are 18 you get kicked out of foster care? Yep. And what happens? Well chances are the family left them in the system by choice or no other family member was willing, able and or qualified to take the child. Remember I used to volunteer with the Guardian Ad Litem also knows as C.A.S.A. I represented children in court and worked closely with Case Managers and parents. But most importantly, I was the voice for the child. So there is this lovely document that parents can sign to say, hey you know what I am not in the mood to raise this kid I want to live my life. Then you have some that honestly can't help the child. So they have what is called a voluntary termination of parental rights and an involuntary termination of parental rights. Voluntary or not, point is the parent is no longer responsible for the child. Just like that now the state owns the child. Fast forward now the child has no family some family members stay in touch some don't. So now the child is 18. They walk out of there with no place to go. Then more than 70 percent of females get pregnant as they age out. Then they do not qualify for plenty of independent living centers.

That happened to my sister. So she did not qualify for independent living centers. She was living with another family in a foster home. Foster home is a family that takes you in and you live there for as long as they want. Yes as long as they want. After 2 years if they want you out they can put you back in foster care. Foster care is a home where several foster kids live. It is almost like a facility or a camp. You have different staff come around and work shifts to supervise you. Some are hell some are just okay. The hell is when you are locked in the house unless you are going to school or everyone leaves in a group to go some place. That was my experience. To make matters worse none of the staff were nice. When I was a baby I was fortunate to be adopted by my aunt at 1 year and 4 months. But when I was 13 years old, I was taken out of my aunt's house into Foster Care. So I never met my sister till I was 18 we had talked here and there. My brother was 18 when our mother passed away. Still till today he brings it up. He has never and will never let go of the past. It really affected him. So at 18 I formally met them both. The foster home My sister was with pretty much used her to get the bonus cash they get to "help" a child. But they were the closest parents that my sister had. She told me stories how they would make her eat outside, they treated her literally like an outsider. But I do not want to share things that are too personal for her. But no one likes to be in foster care, so nothing is ever said. We're just kids. My sister has been through a lot, a lot more than me. She has 4 children and she is only 30, the oldest is 11. But despite her past she has really worked hard to be the best. Never made an excuse for things. She got a bachelors in Criminal Justice and is committed to work hard, to do the right thing and to make things right. But in a away having the kids helped her because she met the baby's father and was able to get a home and get things together that way. But That shouldn't be the only reason females should have kids. Not every story ends up that way.

So anyways it is a big cycle of things that happen. So at this point they age out and might find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, they might get married, they might have a kid, they might do crimes, they might get into prostitution. Or they are lucky and some relative reached out. Or they might not do any of that and end up homeless. The odds are not in their favor. So let's talk about the ones that end up homeless, or they break up with their significant other. They ask for money to try and eat and people ignore them and they say the one thing I hear all they time "It is their fault, they choose to be there." Oh, really? No one chooses to be born. No one chooses to be abandoned, No one chooses to be in the system. And certainly after all that end up homeless, embarrassed and hurt. No one chose that.

You have soldiers that fought their lives for this damn country. And they might have PTSD and might turn to alcohol and pain killers. And then they're family may walk away. Then they are asking for help because they fell off the edge and need to get themselves back, get their families back. But no they are treated like nothing! You can't spare a dollar for a homeless person but you can throw hundreds on strippers and booze and clubs. But I get it is your money, you do as you wish. But I suggest you start thinking twice how you treat people. That can be you one day, the future is unwritten. You better hope there is a happy ending somewhere in there. Because without fail, everything that goes around comes around.

And that is why I want to create Victoria's House, mi casa tu casa. So many good people that can help this world are not given the opportunity. I feel in my heart I was given a purpose and I will do all I can to make it possible. I'm a Victoria, It is my destiny.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Bullsh!t

Hello Everyone! I have some updates. I am in the process of writing a children’s book. It is called "Real Friends Matter" and I am very excited about it. I had to take a brief brake because I had drama here at the Crashpad. What in the world is a Crashpad? A Crashpad is a place where us Flight Attendants and Pilots stay while away from home. The duration can be a single night or for month to month, I will post a video later to show you what mines is like. Anyhow, there was some drama before but this last one took about 2 weeks of energy. I am happy that the situation has resolved and now I can move on with that in the past. Without getting too deep into what happened, I will say I have learned something. I am a nice person, but sometimes I can be too nice. Too nice to the point I sit there and listen. I am also really good at reading personalities I usually can get a feeling of what kind of person they are. Sometimes I can put in words and sometimes it's just a feeling you've felt before. Who is this person? My ex roommate, I lived with her for 5 months. My first impression was always sketchy but unless I can prove it I always give someone the benefit of the doubt. As I got to know her I felt she was exaggerating her stories, but they were not exaggerations but lies. But there are certain things that you just know, I just couldn’t prove it. And so the times I did catch her in lies, she would just laugh or I would not say anything.

What is the moral of the story? When you know something and have a feeling of something express your thoughts. I entertained the lies and when I confronted her it seemed like it was betrayal. I never hated her or anything, but there is a point where you don't want to continue. When you know in your heart something is not right, or people are being dishonest just cut the BS right away. The longer you take the worse it is for you. Save yourself the drama and walk away from people like that. There’s more to the story, but I will leave it at that. Once again, walk away from people you feel and or know are full of sh!t.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Why Do We Show People Old Pictures Of When We Were In Better Shape?

So my Roommate is a Fit Junkie. She does Yoga, lifts weights counts calories, she looks great for 42. She only eats once a day though, I like spreading my food throughout the day. Well anyhow, since I became unemployed in December I started gaining weight again. I want to say it got really bad in training, especially since I had to go twice. I was sitting for 10-11 hours 6 days a week. Eating sandwiches that they provided for lunch, buying hotel food. I never made time to work out because I just wanted to study. Thus, I grained 20-25 pounds. It doesn't look like it is that much but definitely noticeable I gained a bit. This is the second time it has happened. The first time was when I started working in a call center. So I was basically complaining that my clothes were getting harder to fit in, things do not look as nice on me and I feel I have no shape.

So I showed her pictures of me before training even in March and April I felt I looked elegant. She then asked me why is it that people are always showing pictures of how they looked when they were skinny or in better shape? And she went on to it does not mater of how you used to look like, it is not how you are now. That if we miss it so much then lose weight. And she is right on every level, more than I care to admit. I could not find the right words to answer, so I told her give me a second to organize my thoughts and lay it out. Here is the answer  from my prospective, maybe some of you feel the same way:

I know I do not like the way I look at all. I acknowledge this and determined I need to do something about it. But quite frankly there is a lack of motivation. I am interested to lose weight but not really motivated. In my mind I feel that it is going to be hard and I have to make time for it. I know what you are thinking, then shut up. But I am just trying to answer this because she does not understand why. I am not even really sure I understand why..





So when I think about it when I show those pictures it is me telling people I was once beautiful, I did not always look like this. In the back of my mind it shows people what I have the potential to look like. I used to ride the bike 3 to 4 times a week. For 13-20 miles. I know people can do more but I was cool with that. Plus I used to dance as cardio. I posted some on Google Plus, but that was then. This was all this year




                   This was when I gained weight the first time. I look somewhat like this again.




This is me like right now, 10:40 pm Nov 19th 2015.  I took these pictures to post them. Sorry I was working out before this so I look a bit run down lol.






Yeah, it is not pretty. I am confident that I can lose the weight. After her and I had the talk I mean I just needed a reminder. I lost weight once I can do it again. I kept putting it off tomorrow, or the day after. I knew I was making excuses because I wanted to ignore the problem. But I know I do not want to buy a bigger size in clothes. I can't conform or keep pretending it is okay. I just felt in my mind I did not know where to start, but we all have to start somewhere if we want to get somewhere. "The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Lao Tzu

So today I started working out to lose all the weight I gained. I kept thinking there is no way around this. I have always worked hard to get the things I want. This is not any different. Just think of a moment that you had to do something really hard, and you succeeded. It could be college, weight loss in the past, high school, a training, or your first home. And use that as the motivation you need. You did those things before that felt impossible and difficult, but you made them possible. There comes a point when you have to stop looking at the pictures and look in the mirror and accept it. We can take pictures in angles that make us look slim use aps that shed pounds and boosts the boobs or the butt. But the only person we fool is ourselves. We try so hard to be appear what we are not, yet we know we have control to appear exactly how we want to be seen. But we keep putting it off, hoping for something to happen. And nothing is the only thing that will happen. So here is my before and I am going to get this done. There will be heat and burn but I know I will wake up tomorrow on flames, I will be hot because of it lol. I will keep you all posted.

Note to you: If you are one of those people like I that love showing those pictures of how you used to be like I. If you took a picture of you now as your true self, would you be embarrassed to show it? If so, we show that picture everywhere we go. It doesn't have to be captured with a phone. There is nothing more real than flesh and bones. Only YOU have control of your body. We can't blame and point fingers. Yeah it happened, but what are you going to do to change it if you miss the old you?

The only thing stopping you, is you. #RealityChecked


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